what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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