I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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