the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
