God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
