Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Help. Why am I so naked?
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