im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
