Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
