I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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