But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
