when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My life is pants optional.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
