That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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