I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
