Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
