So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
