I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
