you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
