Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
