It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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