I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
