I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize