I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize