Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
