he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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