He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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