On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
