Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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