Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize