You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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