My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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