You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
