You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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