She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He passed out mid-signature
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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