Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
