my phone needs a breathalizer
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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