Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
