Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Use "feeling words"
Yay
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
