how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
