I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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