Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
