I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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