Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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