dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize