Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
