I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
