worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
