Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
