just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
