It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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