i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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