Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
