got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
