I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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