so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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