She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
please come you make the beer taste better
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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