my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
